Rambling to an answer hidden in the dark. . .

I think I get it … wait, maybe not.

Over the last few weeks, I have been loosing a lot of sleep. I tried taking sleeping bills but they are not working very well. The only time I have been able to sleep is because I drank 6-8 bottles of beer (I can’t remember exactly) and that left me with a small hangover in the morning. I don’t want to have to drink that much just to get a decent night sleep. I know where that road will take me. At first, I had thought it was because I was getting married . . . and then I thought it was because of the reception. I don’t think it is, at least not in its entirety.
I have been doing some thinking on it for a while. I am in a crappy job that pays me well for my lack of education. $17.00 is nothing to cough at when the only thing you have under your belt is a high school diploma. I wanna quit and so does the White Raven. I cant blame her because I know she is right. It follows me home and even when I don’t talk about the crap that I have to deal with at work, it still shows in my persona when I am not there. She feels it, even when I am trying to hide it.
I don’t wanna be here but its $17.00 an hour. But I don’t want to be here. But where am I going to find a job that will pay me the same? It’s a crappy downward circle and it’s not getting me. Hell, it’s not even that! What it is . . . is what do I want to do? I don’t wanna look for another job and whore myself out for . . . for what . . . for something that I may not enjoy anyway? The thing is. . . is that I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what risks I wanna take. I don’t know what risks I can take and I am not sure what I even want to do.
What do I want to do?
I have asked myself that a lot over the past few weeks. The truth is, I simply don’t know. And so because I don’t know, I don’t know where to start. I guess I could start with what do I want to do. What do I like to do? What do I want? What am I willing to do to get it? What risks am I willing to take. . . ?
I don’t know. I just . . . don’t . . . know. I kind of don’t want to do anything because I am afraid that if I do, we will loose everything we have now. We are independent and I like that. We don’t need our families. We are to old to be going back and forth like dysfunctional children who cant set aside their party life long enough to have a life of our own. We also want to have children but I don’t see how we are going to do that if I give up this job in the hopes for a better one that has yet to even shine on the horizon.
What do I want to do?
That damn question. . . I cant answer it. I want to quit. . . but I cant. I just cant. I cant because I have no where to go right now and that’s because I am not seriously looking. I am not looking because I don’t know what to do look for. That floats in my head because I find it hard to believe that there is someone who wants a 35 year hold high school graduate with minimal skills. I know I am intelligent but I have not proved that in the past. A high school diploma just is not enough. And when I was in college. . . I was still asking myself that same damn question. I just did not know and it’s sad that I still don’t know. In the end, I did not graduate because I could not ground myself enough to decide . . . what was it that I wanted to dedicate the rest of my life to. If I had just 15 years back, I could change it all and make better decision. But woulda, coulda, and shoulda does not solve my problem.
So… what do I do? Go back to school . . . with what money? I have bills to pay. Even if I did go back to school . . . what would I do? What classes would I take that might be of some use? What would I learn? Do I even have the time available? I am not convinced that I have those answers. I guess school is better than nothing.
But damn . . . I am going to be 35. Is it to late? Is it really to late for me? Have I finally lost my edge? Am I falling and don’t even realize it yet? Am I in a state of shock?
I hear its never to late . . . but those answers usually come from people who are older than me. . . people who are firmly rooted. The white raven says I have time but does she realize how much I would depend on her if I went back to school? Right now, I bring home about 2k a month. Does she realize that it is possible that I might only be bringing home half of that? It may be less . . . and I would have even more bills. Books and classes are not cheap and I don’t think they give those away.
In the end. . . I am afraid I don’t have the time or the money and so it looks like I loose. And its not even ‘I’ . . . it becomes ‘we’. She is in this as well. This decision affects her just as it affects myself. Its not a light decision. Its not something I can just say ‘ ok. . . I am going to do it!’ I wish I could.
For the first time in my life, I feel like I am a train on a track that is running out and I don’t see a detour. If I jump the track, then my life will end up a wreck in the dirt.
I need to find an answer soon. . . because I know that my time here in this job is coming to an end. And I know that it may not be my choice. That at least, I see on the horizon.