Nothing could be further from the truth. It’s been over 4
years since I have posted in this blog. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I
want to write, I really do but for whatever reason, I have a problem keeping a
specific schedule in doing so. I forget to write… or I am not feeling up to
writing (in other words lazy), or not confident enough to write. So days,
weeks, months and apparently even years drag by where I don’t write in my blog.
Maybe it is the subject matter I am writing about… or maybe
I feel like the people that I am writing for don’t really care.
But who am I writing for? Shouldn’t I be writing for myself?
Or should I be writing for my friends and family? What should I be writing
about? Seriously?
The fact is, my views and opinion of things is not a popular
one, or at least that is what I am learning. And for whatever reason, I
generally get a negative backlash where I am accused to being ignorant, rude,
and heartless even. I am demonized because someone out there refuses to see the
logic of my writing. It’s from people that I care about, trust, and respect
that fires back at me so hatefully. I think that is where my writing begins to
trail off and becomes non-existent. You ever heard that saying, “If you cant say
something nice, don’t say anything at all?”
I am 40 years old and I am afraid of those people that are
closest to me. I am not trying to burn bridges. I just want to write and share
my thoughts of events and subject. I am not trying to change the world in
anyway but I feel that if I can get my opinion out there then maybe some people
can see how it is that I see the world. I don’t want to be that weird guy that
you don’t wan to talk to any more.
But I am afraid of
the things in my head. I am afraid of what might come out of my mouth. I am
afraid of how people see me because of it. This is why I am so afraid to talk
to my family. I go through episodes where I try to contact them and tell them
what is going on in my life and that I love them. I always just feel ashamed to
talk to them. I wonder if this is why my father turned his back on them, not
because he intended to be the way he is now, but because of his fears about
himself and his family. Was it this fear that prompted his actions? Is it this
very fear that seems to be driving my inability to be confident around them?
But it is not just my family that I feel this way. It is
around my friends as well. It is around new people. I want so badly to share my
opinions with them that I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind and I
don’t think about how it might sound to them. It is the same when I write. I
wonder if when people read my writing, they wonder if it was written by a
lunatic.
I am not a lunatic. Maybe I am confused but I am not a lunatic.
I honestly think about my opinions and views. I try to set aside my emotions
and try to think through a subject logically.
For example:
One of my unpopular opinions is simply that I
think gay sex is gross. I never understood it and I don’t understand it now. I
am a male and as a male, I don’t even understand lesbian sex. Lesbian porn just
doesn’t do it for me. So… no, gay sex (gay/bi/lesbian) is gross and pointless.
I don’t understand people of the same sex want to be together and I lean toward
them being weird for it. HOWEVER, for some reason as much as I am against gay
sex, I don’t have a problem with gay marriage. The reason is, as much as I am
against something, it does not give me the right to force my beliefs on someone
else. If they want to get married, then please do so. If you want to live your
life a certain way, then please do so. The bottom line, I believe in freedom. I
believe in civil rights. I believe you should live how you see fit as long as
you are willing to accept the consequences. And there are always consequences
in everything we do; sometimes they are good and sometimes they are bad.
So yes it is a very unpopular opinion and I am obviously not
interested in gay sex and have a negative opinion of it. I think that
logically, people should have a right to be with whom they wish. I would not
want someone else making a decision on who I wish to be with.
But here is the problem I tend to have. They ignore the fact
that I believe that anyone should be allowed to be with who they want… same sex
or not. They lash back with insults. It becomes a huge reason not to write. Perhaps
I don’t have the writing skills needed to be a regular blog poster, at least in
regards to my views or opinions.
I want to write. I want to feel like what I am writing might
be important or that someone might actually care about my thoughts. I want to
have the confidence that sharing those thoughts and views will not invite some
sort of aggressive trollfest. I don’t mind someone conflicting my views with
opinions of their own but I don’t need the insults and personal attacks. Again, this is why my writing has tapered off
to nonexistent.
Do I dare continue to write? Does anyone care? Is there even
a point to all of this? Not to mention, why is it so important for me to write?
Uhg…. I don’t even know why I wrote this. Who am I kidding….
No comments:
Post a Comment