The White Raven has had an ongoing concern about my life. Initially, its not serious but overtime it has built up some tension. And although I don’t completely understand why but I think I have a clue. And I wonder, is it really because she does not want me to play games or just be more productive with my life.
In reality, what do I do outside of a job that I am not comfortable with? Not much. I play games, watch tv, and read. Other than self satisfaction, its not really constructive. And I want to be able to create something.
I said I was going to start writing my book but it seems that every time I try, the words I want to write, just wont come. They are in my head but I cant put them into order enough to put them on paper. It’s all very frustrating. Its there in my head, but I cant get it out.
There are other things that I find interest in but I have not brought myself to go forward with them. I have a language program but I have not been using it. I just have a hard time trying to decide that I am not wasting my time learning a new language.
I bought Final Fantasy 14 but I am starting to lag on it. In my opinion there are a lot of issues with the game that needs to be fixed. The White Raven has a point. So far, its been a waste of money and I am not very happy with myself over it. The game is broke. I expected so much for it but they really did release a game that was clearly unfinished. Its no use complaining, I spent money on a game and I am not getting what I expected. She has a right to be a little annoyed with me. I think the game would be far more enjoyable if I did not have such an issue with the crafting and the targeting.
She is right though. I need something that is mine and mine alone. But at the same time, I want her to have an interest in it so that we can talk about it. I don’t want us to turn into one of those old couples that love each other without a doubt but never talk. It worries me a bit. Recently, I have been looking into Warhammer, the game, not the video game but the table top figurine war/battle game. I have been interested in it for a while and would like to become more involved in it. The White Raven seems interested but mainly because of the lore in the game. I would have to get the book, the figurines and more paintbrushes. My old paintbrushes are, well lost in time. Its going to take a lot of money though and with a new baby on the way, I just cant reason out spending it on a new game. That’s even if I am able to stick with it. I can already see the reasons why I have not yet gotten into it. Storage is a big factor. You need a lot of room to store those figurines so that they will not get damaged, and with two cats, that will be even more difficult. Another reason is simply the money. Do I really want to spend all that money on a game that I can’t share with anyone? It’s a two player game, minimum. I don’t know anyone else that plays. I don’t know the rules. And to top it all off, the only time I could play that would not interfere with my time with my wife is on Thursdays and few people have that day off.
But now that I think about it. When our new baby is here, will I have much time for much of anything? I won’t have time for games, language lessons and let along writing. Well, maybe writing. But I know that our new baby will take up so much of our time and I am sure we will be glad to share all the time that is needed. The Baby will need it. Also, I must say that I don’t think I would regret it. The baby will need all of my attention when The White Raven is at work and of course her attention when I am at work.
Should I really pick up a hobby? Will there be time for one? I am not convinced there is. I want to believe there is but with a new baby on the way, I am afraid to start anything.
Which brings me to my next turmoil. . .
They say hindsight is 20/20 and I think they are right. What I wanted before I had my first baby was to have a home of my own, not one that I rented but one that I owned. I did not bring a kid into the world and be struggling to buy a home. I don’t want to have my child wondering why we are moving every three years. I want them to feel secure in their own home. I also wanted to be financially secure. That didn’t happen. I want them to grow up like I did, to see more states by the time they have hit puberty than have friends. By the time I was 15, I was in more states than I had friends. Even today, I can only remember 1 friend that I have before I was 15. I don’t want that for my kids.
But I can afford a home, even if the white raven and I are working together for it. I don’t want to give up this child for the world. I just want him to have the opportunities that he deserves.
In the end, I have got nothing figured out. It seems to me, that I am just as lost as I was when I was 15. I want to have my own identity but I don’t want to give up my place at my wife’s side. I want something that is mine and mine alone but I have to forfeit because our life together is far more important. And what does it really matter? In a few months, I won’t even have time for myself let alone for a way to ground myself in something that might actually be a bit more constructive than video games. All my energy and time will have to go to our son.
Do I just enjoy it now. . . ? While it lasts . . .
Damn, I wish I knew how my aunts and uncles did it. . . I just don’t see how.
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