Waiting . . . Waiting . . . Waiting.

The waiting game is never fun to play. You know you are waiting for something but you don’t always know what you are waiting for. And when you do, you are jumble of emotions waiting for an outcome.

I have applied to a couple of different positions at a video game company a few weeks ago. I have not heard back but should be hearing something soon. Because I have gained a few friends there, I have learned a few things about what has been going on there. I guess that is what has me in such turmoil. The very idea of knowing I can do the job and hearing about how people are getting hired for the same position I applied for is a bit nerve racking. Some of these people have to move to the area so they could work these positions . . .

Guys . . . ? I am right here!

Anyway, it makes me believe that maybe my interview did not really go so well after all. Maybe I am just not video game material. I don’t know. I build my own computers and I have never taken any classes to do so. That should say something. But then again, video games are software based. So maybe it doesn’t.

It’s just that I have worked for a lot of different companies growing up. I have worked for everything from landscaping to the financial industry and I have never really felt like I belonged. Working for those companies, I never really felt like I was a part of something special . . . and I know that I could with this video game company.

I wish I had an answer . . . or something. Actually, I wish I got a call saying “Yay!” Anything. I am working for a pretty good company now but I still don’t feel like I belong. It’s not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I just feel so out of place there. I feel as if I am just wasting my time and the company’s time.

I am not going to quit though. It really is a good honest job. But its just a job to me. . . Its not something that appeals to me. It’s just something I have to do to get money and pay my bills. I don’t enjoy it.

I don’t expect anyone to understand how I feel. The gods know that I know that I at least have a job. Believe me, I am grateful for that! I just wish I could be doing something more with a career that means something to me, something that I am proud of.

I am struggling to have a sense of direction in my life but it seems that if I try to hard, everything will fall apart . . .

35 and there is nothing on my plate for the future, which if you think about it is a good thing. But then again, I am also 35 and I have nothing to show for it.

No, that’s not true. I have a loving wife who has supported me through thick and thin. She has always been there for me. That, I at least at say I am proud of.