Just another day in crazy town... in my mind.

I am sitting at my desk, working as all good employees do. My mind is on my work for the most part. But I am cursed with an ability one might call ADHD... maybe... or hyperactive whatchamacallit. Whatever. The point is that even though I am working, my mind is in a whole different world. See, I just don’t want to be here anymore. My heart just isn’t into the work that I do anymore. The people I work with are alright... for the most part. They are not people I would normally hang out with outside of work. I cant say that I exactly agree with what we do here. I think I did at one point but somewhere along the line, that just slipped away. Now, I look at what we do and I think to myself “How long will this go on before we get shut down?” Look, the industry that I am in, is a good idea on paper but if you look at it from every angle it does not hold up very well. And to top it all off, I find it hard to convince myself that we really are trying to help the people we are supposed to be working for. It all makes it very sad.

Now, of course you can say, “Raven, if you are not happy, then why don’t you leave?” That is easier to say than do. I have built my life up to depend on this job, not just any job. I would love to just walk away and it really sounds like it is an easy thing to do. But really, think about it. Can people just simply walk away?

I like living my life in either-or situations... black and white decisions... good or wrong... But the more one thinks about the decision they want to make, they realize that some decisions can not be made on a whim. The fact is... I can grab box up my shit at my desk and simply walk out. That’s easy. It’s just as easy as a starving fisherman walking out into the abnormally receding sea and gather stranded fish to feed his family and sell at the market. It’s an easy decision until the sea comes crashing back into place in a horrible tsunami of reality. Yeah, I can walk out but the reality of me finding a decent job to pay for my bills is a tsunami that would threaten to wash me away.

As much as I live my life as simple as possible, the harder it seems to get, the more complicated it gets. There is no easy in this life, there never has been. Show me someone who has had an easy life and I will show you someone who doesn’t see the tsunami coming of the horizon. When reality of life comes crashing down on them, I hope they have a surf board to ride so they can least enjoy the psychotic turmoil that their life will be left in. Hard lessons will be learned quick... or not.

The way my life is, no one will do it for me. I might be able to lean on the White Raven for a time but she will not carry me. I would not want her to because if she did, then she would not have the man she came to respect and love. She might sit there and say that she would and for a time, she might for a time. Again, reality would eventually come crashing home in a chaotic tsunami of torment and frustration. I know this. She knows this. Those who don’t are blind to it.

In the end, walking away is not like going to the bar and deciding what beer you want. It’s not like deciding what pair of jeans you want... and it is not as easy as a string of words like “I quit” or “I give up”. Trust me though, there are other places I would like to work and if my life was slightly different, then I might actually risk taking a chance.