Columbine... the security footage...

Ever since I saw the news footage... I wondered what one would endure before snapping. I always wondered what would make someone make such a choice. I even understood why they went amok ... and shot their peers. I always said that I dont condone what they did but I understand why they did it.

I was not your typical high school guy. I wore trench coats. I was an outcast. I was emo. I was everything that I had though those shooters were... except one thing.

I am not a monster.

What I saw today, shook me to my core. I am still reeling at what I saw. We all understand the horrors of this world, or think we do. We all think we know what goes on in this world. But what we dont know is how blind we really are. I saw these videos and only got a taste of the type of world we are living in. Even though I saw this... I am still blind. I still dont understand. I am still blind to it. I am blind to it because ... I dont understand why someone would do this. This ... what they did.... was madness, inhumane, and .... there is no word for what they did. It is beyond madness. The sadness of it all is that they were only a small fraction of the psychopaths in this world.

I wanted to see what they did. I wanted to ... I dont know what I really wanted. Perhaps I had a sick strange fascination with it. Admitting, there were times when I was in school that I wanted... or thought I wanted to do the same. I am glad I didn't

I am not a monster... I maybe a little messed up in the head but I am glad to say that I am not a monster. I cant do that.... I could never do that. So, I dont understand and I guess there is not understanding that insanity. There is no accepting that it was just a part of life. There was no reason for it.

I cant go back and change things in my life. I cant change what happened at Columbine or Virgina Tech, though I wish it could have been avoided. All I can do is put blind hope in an uncertain future that such things will never come to pass again.

Pray to whatever god or goddess you wish... Will with all your heart, that this will never happen again... But understand that it will... just do whatever you can to stop it. Maybe we will be lucky next time.

To my children... if and when you read this... "Nothing is so bad that you have to take a life, any life... including yours."