Turmoil.

First of all... good news. I can access by blog again!

Whoo!

anyway ...

“Madness is to think of too many things in succession too fast, or of one thing too exclusively”

Its easy to decide what madness is. to me, madness is letting your thoughts rule you. I cam scared out of my wits of what tomorrow will bring. I may not have a job tomorrow. I may not have a home tomorrow. I worry about a thousands things during the course of my average day. I worry about everything from, "will I ever live a decent life?" to "will she be gone tomorrow?" The thoughts in my head that whirl around in my hear like a tornado in a china shop, forget the bull. In a sense ... its driving me insane. My madness has turned into imaginary characters, with made up problems of their own, who are living a life that does not exist, just so I dont have to remember the hardships of my own life. Things are getting harder and harder and just because the white raven and I dont want to be stressed out... we hide.

Because of the economy and the lack of funds, things have gotten tight. The white raven and I have fallen into a rut where we hide from the very thing that is hovering over us. Unfortunately that hiding is also making it hard for us to feel close to one another. I feel like I have been living a life that has not been my own. I miss all the things I used to do with the White Raven. I miss taking her out. I miss dinner with her. I miss trips with her. I miss pictures with her. I miss her.

She is within reach... but those thoughts... those angry little thought to self doubt and self failure scream at me in my head. Its hard to feel loved... when you look at yourself and see yourself as a failure. It does not only affect me mentally, it has started to affect me physically. I feel it everyday ... those aches and pains, the down times, the feeling of impotency.

I am stressed. I feel lost. I feel inadequate.

And the only answer I dare give myself is smile and push forward. I am not on my knees yet... and if I have to carry the white raven, then I will. But I have to smile and laugh. I have to cause if I do not, then I am already on my knees. And I need to be a good foundation for our family. When she cant be the rock, then I have to be.

I have to be strong.

I have to be positive.

All things come and go... the hard times are here.... eventually, they will go.

I just hope I dont fail her too.