A look at the fleas under black feathers....

I am a difficult man sometimes...

I don't think about everything that needs to be thought on. I also tend to just act. I am still used to just acting without thinking. Yeah... two years of thinking as two is two years... but sometimes I miss the ability to act irresponsible and go on a whim.

I cant do that though... not if I want to go on adventures with the White Raven... not if I want to move our nest to greener places of rain and snow.

I have to think... have to learn to think as I once had and forgotten to do. Living with elders who need care has a tendency to leave ones life open to monetary comfort and acting on a whim. Even when 1 lived as 2, it was under a patriarchs house, but we have a nest of our own now and all the bills that come with it. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of this being our nest and no others. Its ours.

I have to think. Sometimes I forget how important that is and because I tend to forget, I become a source of irritation and disappointment. Its a plague that I have allowed to run rampant inside my head. There are no excuses for it... at least not that I am willing to admit to.

"What does not kill you makes you stronger."

Well, I got my swift kick in the ass and was reminded on the bigger picture. I need to stop thinking so narrow. My random urges to let go of those green little bastards will only cause more heart ache and deny me what I really want. SO... I must horde those green demons. I must force myself to be less materialistic and let go of my want for new toys. After all, if I do nothing but play, then how will we find ourselves surrounded by wonderful trees covered in rain or snow?

So when one must horde his green demons, what does one do? Gaming no longer seems an option... I get to wrapped up in it. Especially when you play for an hour and find that 3 have passed. Only one games interests me anymore... and I dare not play it because it scares me that much. The White Raven deserves better than that. Gaming... feeds that monster in my head that makes me not think. When I am gaming... I don't have to think. I just do. Sadly... no thinking makes me forget all the things that are important in my life.

In the end... I just cant game. I cant do it. Which means I have to find a new hobby... which means giving up the green demons that I am supposed to horde in the first place which makes me think I have to distract myself in other ways which makes me turn to gaming which reminds me that I am not thinking again which makes me stop which makes me want to find another hobby which ... blaa blaa blaa.....

Fucking Spiral.... it never ends.