A Raven’s Silent Grover…

Nothing could be further from the truth. It’s been over 4 years since I have posted in this blog. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I want to write, I really do but for whatever reason, I have a problem keeping a specific schedule in doing so. I forget to write… or I am not feeling up to writing (in other words lazy), or not confident enough to write. So days, weeks, months and apparently even years drag by where I don’t write in my blog.

Maybe it is the subject matter I am writing about… or maybe I feel like the people that I am writing for don’t really care.

But who am I writing for? Shouldn’t I be writing for myself? Or should I be writing for my friends and family? What should I be writing about? Seriously?

The fact is, my views and opinion of things is not a popular one, or at least that is what I am learning. And for whatever reason, I generally get a negative backlash where I am accused to being ignorant, rude, and heartless even. I am demonized because someone out there refuses to see the logic of my writing. It’s from people that I care about, trust, and respect that fires back at me so hatefully. I think that is where my writing begins to trail off and becomes non-existent. You ever heard that saying, “If you cant say something nice, don’t say anything at all?”

I am 40 years old and I am afraid of those people that are closest to me. I am not trying to burn bridges. I just want to write and share my thoughts of events and subject. I am not trying to change the world in anyway but I feel that if I can get my opinion out there then maybe some people can see how it is that I see the world. I don’t want to be that weird guy that you don’t wan to talk to any more.

 But I am afraid of the things in my head. I am afraid of what might come out of my mouth. I am afraid of how people see me because of it. This is why I am so afraid to talk to my family. I go through episodes where I try to contact them and tell them what is going on in my life and that I love them. I always just feel ashamed to talk to them. I wonder if this is why my father turned his back on them, not because he intended to be the way he is now, but because of his fears about himself and his family. Was it this fear that prompted his actions? Is it this very fear that seems to be driving my inability to be confident around them?

But it is not just my family that I feel this way. It is around my friends as well. It is around new people. I want so badly to share my opinions with them that I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind and I don’t think about how it might sound to them. It is the same when I write. I wonder if when people read my writing, they wonder if it was written by a lunatic.

I am not a lunatic. Maybe I am confused but I am not a lunatic. I honestly think about my opinions and views. I try to set aside my emotions and try to think through a subject logically.

For example:

            One of my unpopular opinions is simply that I think gay sex is gross. I never understood it and I don’t understand it now. I am a male and as a male, I don’t even understand lesbian sex. Lesbian porn just doesn’t do it for me. So… no, gay sex (gay/bi/lesbian) is gross and pointless. I don’t understand people of the same sex want to be together and I lean toward them being weird for it. HOWEVER, for some reason as much as I am against gay sex, I don’t have a problem with gay marriage. The reason is, as much as I am against something, it does not give me the right to force my beliefs on someone else. If they want to get married, then please do so. If you want to live your life a certain way, then please do so. The bottom line, I believe in freedom. I believe in civil rights. I believe you should live how you see fit as long as you are willing to accept the consequences. And there are always consequences in everything we do; sometimes they are good and sometimes they are bad.

So yes it is a very unpopular opinion and I am obviously not interested in gay sex and have a negative opinion of it. I think that logically, people should have a right to be with whom they wish. I would not want someone else making a decision on who I wish to be with.

But here is the problem I tend to have. They ignore the fact that I believe that anyone should be allowed to be with who they want… same sex or not. They lash back with insults. It becomes a huge reason not to write. Perhaps I don’t have the writing skills needed to be a regular blog poster, at least in regards to my views or opinions.

I want to write. I want to feel like what I am writing might be important or that someone might actually care about my thoughts. I want to have the confidence that sharing those thoughts and views will not invite some sort of aggressive trollfest. I don’t mind someone conflicting my views with opinions of their own but I don’t need the insults and personal attacks.  Again, this is why my writing has tapered off to nonexistent.

Do I dare continue to write? Does anyone care? Is there even a point to all of this? Not to mention, why is it so important for me to write? Uhg…. I don’t even know why I wrote this. Who am I kidding….

Life... apparently, it's not fair.

Over the course of my life, I have realized something. You can never depend on what’s fair or not fair. My whole life has been a lesson of what’s not fair. I try to do the right thing the best I can and be as generous as I can. I can’t say I have always made the right decisions but I stopped thinking if it would be fair or not some 20 years ago. I would like to think that most people have.

Now that I am almost 36, I have learned something. I hate the argument “That’s not fair!” I hate it because they are right and there is nothing they or I can do about it. It’s not fair, life… is not fair. If it was, life for me would have been far more different. I would have parents, my sister would not be a drug addict, I would have lots of money, a better education, and I would have been brought up different. But then again, life not being fair means that I am who I am because it’s not fair and it’s made me see the world in a different light. I don’t have to worry about rose colored glasses. Those were broken long ago. So I realized something, you have to get off your ass and take care of things on your own. Never look for a handout and if you get one by chance, it doesn’t mean you will get another. Just be grateful and move on.

So when someone throws “That’s not fair!” in my face, I get irritated. I loose respect for them. It makes me think that they are telling me that I am being malicious and intending to do someone harm, when in reality, I am not. I have never been intentionally malicious or set out to hurt someone.

Right now, in my life, I am responsible for a few things. I have to worry about work, my wife, my daughter, my grandmother, bills, a place to live, health so on. My box of worries seems huge to me but realistically, it’s quite small. Everything outside of that little box is not my responsibility. I figure that if you are an adult, you can adjust yourself to make up for any mishaps. Sadly, some people don’t do that. They want to just sit and complain and wait for someone else to come along and feel guilty for them and make things all better. I can’t stand people who think they can pass the buck and manipulate people into taking care of it for them.

So now, I am stuck in a bind because life is not fair. And in the end, it is my wife and I who will be paying close to $1000 because of people who think life is supposed to be fair. I wonder if they thought life was fair for Caylee Marie or her mother. Do they think life was fair for Kevin Smith when he was kicked off of a plane? I wonder if life was fair to the homeless who legitimately fell on hard times.

For the last year, we have been telling ourselves one thing, “This is out bed. We made and now we have to lie in it.” But I will be damned if someone is going to piss in our bed.